A tug on the heart strings

I just got off a skype call with my mother, which as many of you know can be tough thing. This distance has begun to help bridge the gap between my mother and me. The first weeks I heard from her every day but as time has rolled on, our conversations are becoming more substantial with greater depth and time between them. Who knew that it would only take 6000 miles distance to work on our relationship, OK many of you. At least it is working, or so I think.

The kicker is that I received an FB message from my sister today that apparently I had a conversation with my mother Sunday morning (Korea time). Mind you that I had been out for my friends goodbye party that night.  When I researched the accusation, my sister was correct, I had a 20 minute conversation with my mother which I completely don't remember. (Grandma would be so proud, just kidding).

I was a little ashamed to talk to my mother now to find out what we discussed while I was inebriated. Luckily and surprisingly she was more concerned than anything. How refreshing because I was worried that things would have been different. As so many of us here are learning, this experience is helping us to grow, not be afraid, be more confident and not worry what other people think. This is especially true for me. I feel I have always held back from communicating with my mother because I didn't want to be judged or I was tired of being judged since she often compares my life to hers. Things are beginning to change. I was able to talk to her tonight about what had happened yesterday. She laughed. Sigh of relief for me.

She reminded me briefly about our conversation and filled me in on the latest news with everything. The part that pulled at my heart strings was when she told me that my grandma thinks of me as one of her daughters. (Tears, again). That statement means so much to me because I have always called my grandma my life coach and I would not be here if it weren't for her blessing and encouragement. She has helped me through most every major decision in my life. I have been sooo soooo soooooooo lucky, fortunate, grateful, appreciative and every other word used to describe my admiration for my grandmother, who I  have lived with for the past four years. I am still shooting myself in the foot for not having a tape recorder handy during the late night chats I had with her about her life and experiences or finishing the cookbook we began working on for all the women in the family when I moved in. WE HAVE TO FINISH IT!

Of everything, I miss my grandma. A huge part of me wishes I was there to help take care of her, as best I could. I know I'm not a caretaker, but I tried my best and of anything I have always wanted to be there for my family and especially my grandma. I also know that most of my family has been so supportive of me exploring the world and I am so grateful. Thank you.

I sit here also, thinking of my other grandmother, Grammie. Losing her a year before my college graduation was one of the toughest things I have ever had to live through. She was my biggest champion for finishing college. She was one of the luckiest grandparents to have every single one of her grandchildren graduate with a college degree. Education was so important to her and I so wished she could have seen me graduate. I may not have had the closest relationship with her, but she has been such a huge motivator in my life. Her influence helped me return to school and finish! She was my biggest supporter and I never had the chance to thank her for it. I miss you Grammie! Thank you because without my degree I wouldn't be here now.

Things just got too emotional. Time to cut the string.